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More of the same

Self-indulgence

Searching and searching

Simultaneously avoiding

Deluded introspection

With no revelation

Truth struggles

Among the fury of lies

Burdened and confused

Exhausted

Slip away into the moment

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Sad eyes

Sad mouth

Aged old

A future wasted

A child

Pregnant with her second baby

A slave to her addictions

Her mother planned

Nothing

For her

Fortress

Forgotten concessions

Noise hangs over her

And she waits and waits

Relinquishing thoughts

She has lost her song

High Minded

Greedy with thoughts

Swindeled emotions

Reek of emptiness

Formulaic fingers

Make self-consumed moves

Canned lines

Compact the trash

Untitled Love

A feeling

Enigmatic

A kept secret

With a flush

Of my skin

You have stolen me

Glistening eyes

You gaze into my eyes

You are my home

And my universe

You have

All my love

Untitled Love

Oh, you

You who I can’t ignore

Anymore

You who got me

I am yours

You

Are my always

My forever

More

I tried to hold

Back

And

You held me back

And so forth and so on

You, I cannot keep you

Out

So, come

Come on
Come in

Again

And

Again

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Was it worth it?

Dreams and memories

No longer

Yours

Nothing is yours

Anymore

Floating ashes hover

Where rivers of your love-words once flowed

Something vague

Slipped away into the hallowness

A good-bye kiss

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You fed me
from your palm
And your mouth
poisoning me
I begged you to do it too

That night I saw deer running in the desert
I don't know what that could possibly mean

I was alone
And you were alone

The deer were free
far from their home

I laughed hysterically
Then I cried
For relief

The drum beat flowed liquid notes
Filling clouds among glazed stars
Fire spat images
Into my eyes, heat into my soul

When I get quiet
I can still feel every flame

One thousand poems were written that night

Her

Every man wants a woman
Crazy enough
Enough to feel dangerous

The kind of woman you spend a lifetime
Trying to understand, contain
Tame
Grasp her

She permeates you like a good marinade
You indulgently soak yourself in her
In your consuming thoughts

You are her meat
butchered, raw and ready
You can’t get her out of your pores
How did she suck you in?

An unusual smile,
An easy, willing laugh
Something sexy and simple...
a fragrant nape
She is now in your bones

You put your hands on her
Touch her
Are you really touching her?
Do you know her?
What is she?

She’s is full of surprises
Shit, she may even be a man
Or a monkey or a prostitute
Or an illuminated cloud
Or a rock, or an entire bowl of ripe fruit
Or rest for when you are weary
…something rediculous

Have you ever really felt her?
Was she real to you?

She has something in common with everything
She’s been everywhere
And nowhere

She knows you real good
Because she is inside your head
She is now there forever
and more

Admit it
You are the one who permitted it
Changed for life
Taunted by mocking memories

Everything is nothing in comparison
You will never find another
As you compare again
And you always will

Fuel and Fodder

Hungry, we intoxicated each other
and that is the protocol
so we could have empty sex
which is above our evolutionary status
but, again, I hoped it will turn into something more than fuel for my addiction

Pain Killers

I have a headache
On days like these
So I take a pill

And my face feels numb
My head doesn’t work
Even my forearms are numb

These days aren’t so different that regular days
I am still aware of the pain
I still feel like shit

If I smoked I would take a long draw of a cig
And make a real big sigh
And that would make feel cool, at least

I don’t smoke
So I will just twitter the day away
Looking around for my head
And forgetting that I need to pee
Until my bladder hurts so much I can’t ignore it anymore

If I was old, I’d wear old people diapers
And not worry about pissing on myself
When I am on pain killers

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Your husband doesn't like me
With good reason
I hate him
and
He sees how much you love me

We could go on for years like this and
I am sure we will

When he comes out of the closet
Or, for that matter,
When you do
I will be here

Picking up the pieces that were barely held together in the first place

To love you
And nurture you
To give you strength
And to do those things I already do

How many years will you waste?
10, 20... more?

Even if it is a whole life wasted
I will still accept you

Sometimes it takes that long
to find a place to call home

Conception Haiku

Blooming Uterus
Rose blood endometrium
Embryos Flourish

Block

I sit here poised to render my brilliance
Only out of guilt that I have wasted away
My mind busy with inane thoughts,
Constantly churning and churning
Simple minded and inefficient
I am like a cow chewing it’s cud

I have let myself get stuck here

I see you

I see you
I see your deviant ways and obscure appetites

I see your pretty face, those eager rosy cheeks
And what you hide in your wooden box

I see your eyes, those emerald jewels
As they scan your prey

I see your skirt
And what’s underneath every time you lift it up

I wish I could avoid you
But I can’t
And I have seen too much

Insults

Numb to the insults
I hear them again
And again
One time too many

I stop.

My ambivalence disturbs me
There is shame in this reality

I listen closer
It is real
And I begin to feel

It has taken me years and years to arrive
And others never will
Because these words murder spirits
We have to acknowledge this first

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When I think about my life
I lie to myself
I envision greatness
Or tragedy
To hide my mediocrity

I try create beauty
And look in the mirror
It stinks

My old handbag turns me into a bag-lady
That thought makes me laugh hysterically
My hysteria takes over

I will make you cry
My fits clench tighter
I forget to open my abdomen when I breathe
I close my chest
Making way for death

Take me away
Take me away
I die

Poem for a Chauvinist

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting
What will you do
When you face your maker?
Will you smile like you do
With your white teeth
That make you look so healthy?

You may think your sickness is dormant
But your armor is translucent
To those have seen your violent charm
And heard your serpent tongue

Deliver yourself
Or give into your hunter
When you die, you are dead
And there is no body left

There is an opening
And it is not just another cunt

Untitled Love Poem

Your presence brings out my ineloquent side

When I look at you
Your pupils dilate
And your face glows
Reflecting the sun of our love

Your eyes widen supernaturally
And I jump into your buoyant liquid darkness

You take me in
Where others hide secrets
I find solace inside your dark pools of love

There is nothing I can say to capture this experience
I am simple and speechless
And you are steadfast in your love

Reverse Cowgirl

I will wake you up
With my ass in your face
Riding and riding your hardness

Your hands on my ass
I open up for you
And I fuck and fuck and fuck you

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I look deep into my spirit
doubting myself
Where are you, sister?
I am sick of the social pressures
that govern our superficiality

I just want to breathe and dance and sing and stretch my mind
with you
And they say "misery loves company"
And I say misery is intimacy
when you live in fear
of yourself

Lets come back to authenticity
and give it a great big hug
in the name of the LORD
Why don't we see how that feels
when we are sober?

copyright 2007

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Swaying my hips side to side
My empty arms cradle your spirit
I rock and I rock and I rock
My barren womb aching for you

I feel your presence and I know
You trusted me with your life

I carry you with me
Although I failed you
Forgive me , baby

I love you

My Lot

I want to fill myself up
With self-pity
Until I choke on my own pain
But you won't let me

I survive and I get angry about it
I want to be mad
I want to be mad at You!
Why? Why? Why?

I never get the answers to my questions
And I keep asking them

When will this end?

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I thought I knew you, Love
But you were not who I thought you were

I learned so much about slavery and self-loathing
But nothing about You

Thinking is a waste of time
Why did I bother for so long?

Now that you touch me
Feeling is knowing

Thank You.

Simple Faith

Truth
Profound Beauty
Intimate Love, provision and hope
Depth of meaning

Fear and religion will steal it all

My Pain

You are my idol
You rule my life
You dictate my every move
I let you do it too

You make me feel alive
You even help me to thrive
On You

I seek you, Pain
You are all I know
Keep me under your yoke
I will never let you go

I serve you, Pain
You can have whatever you want
Just never leave me alone

I seek more of you everyday
That I may know you fully
Pain, you are all that is real to me

Untitled Love Poem

Nostalgic fragrances
Evening dew, fireplaces, and you
Mellow breezes in my face
Body memories stoke our heart fire

Knowing Love, your touch is Love
Good things come through you
Sweet completeness, Thank You
That we are One

2010

I do

I read what you wrote
about spooning her in your hotel room

Yes, I read what you write
I savor each syllable
and twist myself into your story

After all these years we loved each other
I should have been that girl

I feel so childish
That I even gave it a second thought
With all that's going on in the world
I am so preoccupied with the loss
of one embrace

And it is a real loss
Because now it's too late

The Glow

In bed
We stare straight ahead
Our eyes strobing
To the lights of the television

They say you shouldn’t put a TV in the bedroom
It’s bad feng shui
It’s bad on your sex life
And it’s sold to us as entertainment

What happened to that Sade CD?
...It was just a moment ago

Responsibilties

I am releasing you to the world now
No longer trying to own what’s not mine

What freedom!

And the anxiety sets in
As I realize I am responsible for my own happiness

Worrying about you was so much more convenient

On Selfishness

Maybe all this writing is just an exercise in frivolity
It will just sit in some journal, some file
Until I die

No one really wants to know the thoughts I have
No one wants to hear your thoughts either
People are too consumed with The Economy

This is why love has to be negotiated
So everyone gets their needs met
We are all vying for our rights

That’s okay
Selfishness gets you more love
That is just the way it is

You have to take what’s rightfully yours
No one is going to give it to you freely

There is no humor or irony here
Just cynicism and melancholy

There is a windstorm outside
I want to let it sting me
and blow my thoughts away

What's Real

I am over the fear of rejection
after all, I am a big girl now

And I really don't care if anyone believes me or not
Love does exsist
it is more than romantic notion

If it didn't exists, we could all stop searching for it all the time
The problem occurs when you realize you have never actually experienced it before

It is easy to say it doesn't exist, then
It is easy to say you don't need it then
It is easy to abstain from the only glimpses you have ever known
to hide your heart away for no one to touch

That is selfishness to the world
that its a love anorexic

There is power in it
But empty power
More like powerlessness

How ironic
I love irony
And I love how we were are all on the same journey

Some will stop
Some will move on
Some will die

We will all die, really
The question is: when?

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There is so much work that goes into growing
Sometimes I feel lazy
And want to quit all this work
Put that auto-pilot on

But I like the secret we have
I don’t think many know this kind of love
And it scares people
We are scary… and who would have ever imagined that?

This is why we are alone so often
But that’s okay
Because I actually like us

Mother

I wrote my first poem when I was about 6 or 7
I still remember my sister laughing
And reciting
“Big fat mama, in the big fat bed…”
How ridiculous and comical

Thank God for her
I knew I didn’t want to be like her
I had innate value
And armor
So I wasn’t damaged as much

Now I have my own children
And they actually don’t loathe me
Not yet

Looking for The Real Thing

I do agree that most people are selfish
Especially when they are trying to love you
They consume you
It’s usually only for validation
How sad and pitiful
This is how evolved we are

Women searching for mothers and mentors
Men wanting to be mothered
Everyone is lacking in mother nurture
Maybe because we don’t expect anything of fathers anymore

Reading

I buy these books online
Wait for them to come
Pick them up at the mailbox
Spend good time reading them

Trying to fix myself
Trying to fix you
Silly of me, really

We don’t have to be perfect
Just us
This is one terrifying thought
But I am trying to be okay with letting you know me

I apologize in advance
I know that you didn’t know what you were getting yourself into
I didn’t know either

I spent so much time trying to get presentable
When all you want is to see me in my panties
We can negotiate this.

Part One

I can't believe it took me this long
To realize
I have never been intimate before
Not with any person
Not with my creator

On the treadmill
I ponder
I want to bend you over
I want to dominate your shit

Why am I such a bully?
Why can't I be pretty?
It's part of my journey
To not care

Being all fucked up
is just how sober feels

Right now
I feel so wild when I say
"in bed"
After reading my fortune cookie

I am going to get back on that swing-set
I do declare

Part Two

We Need to talk

“I thought we didn’t have to do that anymore”
Was your response.

We laugh and laugh and laugh

You won’t say the words ass or pussy or lick or fuck or dick

While you search for euphemisms
I plan the vile, vile things I want to do to you

Why do we have to play nice?

The most uncomfortable part is the eye contact
Kissing with our eyes open
Coming with our eyes open
Naked in every sense of the word

And all of the talk…
Talk, talk, talk…
Why don’t women ever shut up?
You can’t medicate that away.

Part Three

Part 3
It is comical how simple we are
A man
And a woman

Very stereotypical

Why do we waste our whole lives filling up our brains with so much shit?
Trying to get somewhere…Where are we going, actually?
What are we chasing after?

There is no real security
In anything
We can count on God
And, we’ll prove that too,
When we are already dead

Since we’re both here
We may as well use each other
For entertainment
Excuse my cynicism, but not much amuses me anymore

So, where do we start? I am all-in.
You, go. It’s your turn.

For Stephanie

Old friend, you wandered back into my life
And, It makes me all giddy inside
I love you, I love you, I love you

There is no substitute for history
I knew you when you were fucked up
And you knew me too

We were too young and crazy to hide our shit
I love that
There is nothing more authentic that not knowing you’re fucked up
And crazy as all hell

We laugh together
And sometimes we just laugh harder when we want to cry
Bad things and good things happen

I am glad to see your face again, Sister

Date Night

I don’t want to devaluate you
But I have to admit I have fantasies
That are less than becoming of a lady

I know you’re worth much more,
so I won’t let you know my plans to objectify you